dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
