Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
