____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
