I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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