can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
