So drunk its hurt
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
