The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
