we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Damn victory sex feels great
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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