Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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