I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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