I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Panties = found
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
