Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.