My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.