Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
