two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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