Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
