I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
