Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
