I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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