I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
