Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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