I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
