I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize