How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
