our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
