The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
