I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
