I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
