Someone shit on the floor
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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