i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
