You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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