Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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