she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
