Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
