I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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