the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year