Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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