So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
