i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
