Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
