enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
