Porn is love you can see.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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