she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
