I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
