literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
