Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
