Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
