Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
