the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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