I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
