I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
