Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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