Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
