I think I won the penis lottery.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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