This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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