he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
