thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
