Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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