We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
