Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
